Updated: Nov 7
Taming my heartbeat like a carriage lead by pacing horses writing this. Now if only I had an assistant to type what I'm about to tell you as I glide around my room in a long gown sipping an extravagant cocktail, but instead I'm choosing to put my favourite fluffy dressing gown on, hair from bun to ponytail, enjoy a box of Christmas chocolates and do this the old-fashioned way, but not by myself, God and of course I have you reading,
Because boy, maybe it was the full moon but I've had some weird experiences with 'scary objectifying weremen' recently. This article is a 'it's not me, it's you' look book for women that have been told "well maybe you shouldn't have worn this". And have ever been blamed for other people's wrongdoing. Your outfit isn't shameful, their actions were. Life is too precious to not dress for yourself. What we wear doesn't determine who somebody else is, that shame is not yours and never has been. Its about time we learn to celebrate and encourage ourselves and each other and stop blaming ourselves for someone else's actions.
This article is my current version of climbing liberty or empire with a diamante speakerphone, shouting this from the skyline (well I sure as heaven can type it)
Nothing we would wear could totally shift and control someone else's personality, we are not responsible for their actions, morals, personality and behaviour.
I don't think, those with these beliefs around others are referring their actions or what they enjoy as influenced by a women, so its a interesting shift when need to take responsibility for their own actions and behaviour, suddenly we are puppeteers responsible because of our clothes, makeup or our body...) If someone decided to steal everything from a postman's bag because they wanted something, without even ordering something online. Why blame the postman and his uniform and not the person with misplaced entitlements? Makes no sense and never can.
So today I'm dropping their shame at the door and when I'm getting ready. As empowerment in our own bodies is something to be celebrated and encouraged, not feared, you're magnificent. I know there are good intentions and amazing people out there. This is a reminder that startling and degrading cat call, insult, verbal harassment or sexual assault and anything else is no reflection on mine or your worth and more so theirs, your worth is never determined by someone else's value or what they're offering. Ever. You're magnificent, YOU'RE MAGNIFICENT. okay lets do this.
Story Numero Uno,
So here we go, story uno, They surrounded me, making sexual gestures, standing in front of me trying to slow me down, some at the sides, behind and in front of me making these sexual gestures and noises.
There was one woman in the group sitting on the wall on the side lines, me being blocked in and surrounded, I looked to her for comfort and hoped shed tell them to back off or let me past, but she was looking at me like I was a piece of meat too, head down, eyes up smiling. She smirked, complimented my shoes. (which felt more like a deliberate deflect to avoid helping the chaos). I said Thank you, which just made everything around me worse as they grew louder wanting a response from me.
With men both sides of me, one I think was trying to pinch or feel my ponytail, some in front of me slowing me down on this long path, a guy low down behind me, there must have been around 7/8 of them all together, some surrounding and slowing my journey, few on the wall shouting and the rest surrounding me, it was loud chaotic and claustrophobic.
When I didn't respond and continued trying to get away, they grew competitive, angry and louder. Some walking beside me as I was walking (all while covid is all over the news). Praying that the one low down behind me wasn't ducking looking up my skirt, filming or getting close enough to see as I tried to get away. They were all shouting comments about what positions or things they wanted to do, which started to feel more like a threat. I tried to not make eye contact with anyone and continue walking around them when one stood back in front to block my journey, now I'm home and in my sanctuary, I'm thinking of a lot more to say to them that's for sure.
A moment for these shoes, you can get through anything easier when closer to Jesus.
One of them (that previously was making spunking gestures walking beside me) then said out loud just as I was nearly away, 'Naaa she's too skinny for me' Somehow still making the situation feel worse as I finally had a couple steps of freedom. Learning to love and embrace my body as we all do, for me it was my wonderful lank. So this comment was difficult for me, more so when I got home and tried to sleep that night. Yes, I'm sure we all think about a dream body but there's no one quite like me, or you, and that's something special. Worth celebrating.
For those wondering what I was wearing that day (that's okay, that's the power of this article, its not me, its you. My outfits weren't shameful, their actions were.)
Even I wondered if it was my fault before my inner diva came out to snap some sense into me.
Here it is, my, its not me, its you look book. Because my outfit doesn't determine your morals. My outfit doesn't determine your personality. My outfit doesn't determine your actions. My outfit doesn't determine how you want to treat others. My outfit doesn't determine who you are.
My outfit that I chose for myself belongs to a human and not a walking robot in a bow.
Here is my brave and cute outfit which I would usually wear with tights, this was my first time without that day, work it bravery I see you, It wasn't because I didn't wear tights that day, it wasn't that my skirt was too short, its that they are inconsiderate perverts. It was a spontaneous hot day so I chose not to wear them to catch some sun (Which as Britney would say, is my prerogative).
Being treated like that wasn't my fault, of course I'm not oblivious to this, but I don't want to restrict and limit every aspect of my life due to the possibilities of someone else as then everything you want to do can feel tainted. I aim for a limitless life.
Truth is not everyone is like that, there are some wonderful people out there.
So here you are, for absolutely everyone needing this even those with different situations than mine, women across the whole world, for the men that like to wear crop tops or dresses, for every trans person dealing with misconduct, for everyone that likes to wear eyeliner, those that don't like to wear makeup at all, for the girls that love to wear a tux, for those that want to wear ball gowns in Tesco's, for those that'll wear Converse or Nikes everywhere, for those that wear heels everywhere, for those that wear cos play when they go to the cinema, for the person with 7 of the same shirts because they love it, hopefully inspire someone to wear what they like today whether that is a fuzzy jumper, dress or a hotdog costume in aldi...
I understand they were disrespectful not me unrespectable. They were dripped in predator and pervert, and me? one of favourite Primark t's and skirts. Mine or your worth is not determined by someone else's value or character. Ever.
Maybe I shall upload a catwalk trying this outfit on again finally without tights, to not limit yourself, to protect your heart.
When you like your outfit, like it, have fun with it. Dress for you, truly you only.
A cheers to who I am and why, not what they wanted me to be or for. Here's a F You, and a thank you for reading, a 'porrt umm urpp, rock paper scissors..... "biiiii*cchhaa".
Story Numero Dos Shopping, to buy myself some flowers and my favourite Italian dinner for a date evening with myself.
More strangers came around to make finally getting home from my shopping experience, feel like a holiday. First person and thing said was 'dam girl you've got freakishly long legs'. I laughed it off as seemed more abrupt and humorous and without bad intent. Then a few moments later I was in an aisle by myself and tried to peak a reflection of my own legs or find something 'freakishly' in tiny reflection of the metal crates holding bed throws and miscellaneous items, before continuing to shop for my items to make me feel sparkly again.
There was two following me around the shop, aisle to aisle, they didn't care about how they appeared as they stopped shopping and watched me, speaking loudly about my body and what they 'are going to do'. Very detailed, spoke about what they thought I looked like underneath, for anyone to hear, obnoxiously like everyone would agree with treating me like that. The more detailed they got about each inch of my body and the positions they wanted to do, the more I felt exposed, like everyone around had x ray vision and was in on it. This day was only a few weeks after the previous scary incident. Shoppers later looking at me with this "sorry look" of hoping I'd say something as they weren't sure how to get involved.
When I lined up to pay and of course they followed, making me think about my walk home in the dark. Their voices over the awkward silence and beeps of the tills. It didn't feel complimentary, more so demanding and degrading. But without any of the strangers saying anything I felt their silent support from their shrug smiles and concerned eyes, and a couple watching their every move like a hawk. I felt like I was in an episode of 'What would you do' with John Quinones but it was real life and unfortunately none of us spoke up.
It being dark outside and I needed to walk myself home, the cashier looking concerned when they saw I was scared sucking in tears (like the spaghetti I was so desperately trying to get home to eat) after one asked the other laughing under their breath 'so would you rape her', not rate, it was once again not 2 metres. I've unfortunately learned that some men throw this word inconsiderately. With these two, I felt scared, they weren't some ignorant male friend throwing comments about some girl on Instagram being insensitive, they were two strangers following me describing what they wanted to do.
Wasn't able to get my flowers that day, I did however have my parmesan (and as much as I wanted without a kind poor waiter getting carpal tunnel), and pasta.
Message from editing Elsie, yesterday I found out parmesan is not actually vegetarian... I have had so much of this since being vegetarian. A veggies nightmare.. Any replacement suggestions welcome please xo
I built the courage and returned for my flowers a few days later. Now they sit in my room hyping me up and telling me, yes I am that, a girl that deserves flowers.
Cheers to my 'near cashmere' and facing fears. My most comfortable H&M sweater.
Because what I wear doesn't take away my right to feel safe. Because what I wear doesn't determine how they chose to act. Nothings more revealing than a mind, no matter what length skirt or short and beret I wore, they were more revealing that day.
Here's the outfit I wore that day, and a talk to the hand cos the face aint listening...a high five to myself and you, for everyone learning to be themselves limitlessly. and cheesy peace sign for world peace because saving the world is the biggest dream of them all.
Story Numero Tres
Maybe it's the dark lipstick ladies and gentlemen but I spoke in this story.
Brace yourself with a comfortable blanket and your favourite drink please. And pick up your polish and put down any potential pitchforks, I write these to help us have an online sanctuary, a peaceful place. A place to help myself and you, from a place of self-love and encouragement. I'm not sure this article will set off people rollerblading in suits, people dancing in the street, ball gowns in Tescos, someone setting off a chain of people singing in a subway which I've seen happen and is beautiful. I have something else up my sleeve for that ;). But I do hope, if one person see's someone not limit themselves, it inspires them to go for it and another and so on. That is how we'll get a happier world, that dream world. When the ones celebrating each other and themselves are way louder, loud enough that those that need to hear it and can't leave their bed feel celebrated and hear it.
So here it is story numero tres
As soon as he saw my lipstick he was instantly in this foul mood 'euher'ing and saying how much he hates lipstick and apparently all men do, it started like "why would women wear lipstick to try be attractive to men when men wouldn't want to go anywhere near or be seen with someone with it." He continued insulting my lipstick and the hypocrisy that is makeup and quickly grew to him shouting and name calling when I tried to seem positive still, such as stupid, delusional and just many names and things too rotten to write on here, no thank you.
It's very difficult this, it can be the same person that said something wonderful, name calling can follow through your phone, can feel increasingly worse each time things feel lovely then not. Inviting you to my mirror pep talk, it doesn't matter how wonderful someone can treat you to start with or even the day before, if they turn to shouting and threating someone under any or every circumstance or even no circumstance, is not okay. Maybe It took me some dark lipstick and a little courage to help recognise that.
I wore it for myself as I and you should, life's too precious not to. Some might not like lipstick, some appreciate the beauty, but It's an expression and art form and can't be liked by everyone and that's okay. If we were all the same the world wouldn't be as diverse and beautiful. Just so happens to be a bonus if you go out and a set of siblings say to her mummy, "wow look mummy did you see her makeup and outfit" and her replying "yeah I did isn't it great?!". Ahh maybe I shall write an article of all the wonderful things that have happened whilst leaving the house, I think that would be nice and have lots of lovely stories.
And for anyone that needs to hear this and be reminded of that feeling, I and when you choose, the idea of dressing for a partner and someone you love should be magical and fun, exciting, never fearful. Finding a beautiful date dress or carefully choosing items from Ann Summers whilst feeling excited about your partner should be exciting and never feared and always be your choice. I mean Sandy's leather makeover was iconic as he never knew to expect it, he loved how she was before. With the kind of person that makes you feel amazing as you are, getting ready for someone will feel adventurous.
He then shouted at me about my everyday heels saying they were irresponsible for a wood walk we hadn't even planned. Saying I'm the dumbest person he's ever met and shouting more insults I'm not going to write. Okay let's continue to the happy ending with more chocolate.
I look at my shoe collection and think where each pair has taken me and where I can go. This isn't the first time they've helped me walk away from situations, let alone feel empowered walking out the door.
And those that know how easy it is to walk in the right platform heeled boot, your feet feel like 4x4's, walking in the woods with them isn't a challenge, I love it and do it all the time, one of my favourite things to do, they're often helpful.
And fun fashion fact, heels were originally created for men in the 10th Century, to help them stand with grip when shooting bows and arrows for war. And you bet this pacifist was prepared for the chaos around her. Okay, okay, I'm really not keen on that sentence but when it came to protecting my peace, I felt more ready this time.
I wasn't planning on staying to discuss it, but it was about me hearing myself and defending what I believe in, about putting my 6 inched platforms down. I wasn't intending to change his mind or him to pause shouting. Just for me to feel protected, loved and heard by myself before I runway walked off, burning some sage, no I'm joking but can you imagine. Just me trying to remind myself of my worth as I needed to hear it, gosh I needed to hear it, defending people's rights and remembered, I did have the choice to leave and go home so I did. And returned to my sanctuary with a movie projector and candy waiting for me.
So here it is the infamous lipstick, a 'this gal' and "I cant quite hear your insults I'm singing praise right now" and lets not forget, one of my favourites, "I'm smart, and even like to read".
Like that famous mean girls quote says "Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter." And sure as heaven wearing a shorter skirt doesn't make you any sluttier.
There's many more stories I could write about a need for positive change but I don't need to write everything to say writing this blog has been extremely helpful. Thank you for reading, you've made someone's day today. Is this a part 1?, most likely, but if not, we've done blooming great, and I sure as heaven feel the most empowered right now. I wonder if this is how Beyonce feels.
Your diamante speakerphone!
If you would like to and reading this article you said 'yes b**ch' at least once, I'd love to see your personal version of the 'its not me, its you' look book, let me hype up your outfit.
I promise speaking up in general, helps with things you don't share online also, so if you find this empowering, go for it, your voice matters, your no matters and always blooming has. Its about time we tremble acknowledgement and positive change for those accountable. Let's empower each other, those that need to hear it, those that need to say it. Whatever that may be for you. Because no insult, harassment, cat call, sexual assault or rape is worth more than your voice, happiness or self-celebration. I'm rooting for you. Its magic when we stop restricting ourselves, we realise the shames not ours and never has been. Thank you so much for reading, you're the biggest blessing.