Confessions and Lessons From "Your Church Girl"
Growing up I never wanted to make certain mistakes. I felt like when I do, my personal spiritual clean record is tainted. The only thing i'm certain on is my heart and the positive impact I want to give.
So as I got older naturally made mistakes or done things I regretted, Id find it extremely hard to forgive myself. I'd even question my own purpose because I believe who I was meant to be would never make such decisions. Until I learned we can all be in situations out of our control, all make mistakes, feel upset or pee'd off and say something silly and that's okay. Confessions are a good way of acknowledging your apology to others and yourself also. Its not always our fault if something bad happens to us but its our responsibility to let it change in a space of growth and not restriction.
If you're wondering why I've referred to myself as a church girl rather than stating my religion? It is to hopefully stop anyone associating my mistakes with my inspiring homies - Jesus nor Buddha.
Not that I think you would once you read it haha...
I'm often referred to as a church girl by my friends and I think that's sweet.
We all have morals or a way of life that we choose that we associate with ourselves. Mine growing up included don't do anything with bad intent or at someone else expense. Mine let a lot of room for adventure. That doesn't mean we don't make mistakes or do things way out of character along the way...Yeah I see you ya lil nasty ;) Its okay, our mistakes don't define us. Its our willingness to learn and grow. Your willingness to laugh at the silly and let go the things that do not define you.
25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.
Lying to look cool and getting caught-
Watching classics, every girl dreamed of having someone lift them into the air whilst in a dirty lake with your arms out wide like dirty dancing. Little me was caught in my fantasies and thought being around new people I could be whoever I wanted.
So when I was 8 at my mums Quaker Christian holiday retreat, I pretended to have a fiance to everyone there. (As well as take a load of these kids ghost hunting because I didn't know much about the religion at the time).
My family had no idea about my saucy fiance. At first it felt exhilarating. I used a cheap fake ring I got from Claire’s accessories, put it on the ring finger and went out ready to show off my double life and engagement ring.
At first, everything seemed to run smoothly. My double life was incredible. Used my phone to walk off and be invited on a speedboat and picnics. Cute texts from my love one telling me how the stars remind him of me. Guilt started to creep in as I realised the honest qualities I loved about myself at home weren't visible and double life came crashing down.
I was blocked in with my friends in one of the corridors and could see teenagers coming both ways. They instantly was excited to see my engagement ring that they'd heard about and were kinder than expected… As I doubtfully passed over my hand, I noticed a green line underneath. Oh no.
They told me that the ring was fake and were going to call me out.
My stupid ass reached out my phone, “called” my Italian fiance and had a huge argument and elaborate break up!
I thought this last lie was perfect as it got rid of all my speedboat and picnic and engagement plans and may have the chance to just be me. But there was far too much sympathy for a fake relationship. Over-pouring love and sympathy AND cards. I felt so awful. These religious people were so kind and in fact reminded me of my own morals before I was this now past engaged 8 year old.
The rest of the trip made me realise these people weren’t friends with me because of this made up fiance and all the things that come along with it.
They liked me for me, making me realise from a young age men do not define you or your status. It strengthened to me, the importance of being yourself. It taught me being someone else doesn't lead you any closer to self love and acceptance but in fact further from it. Lying to strengthen relationships could be the wedge that prevent others from loving you fully and truly.
3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
When me and my sister were young sister pranks like me being in a tumble dryer "for fun", washing basking stair surfing and me being the crash dummy was the regular. Most was brilliant fun but getting me in trouble for things she’d done was not the cherry. She’d never get caught for things she’d done. So this got me thinking… I’ll try to get her in trouble for things she hadn’t done. I was a theatre kid so crying suddenly was the deal maker..
Laying my bike down spinning the wheel and crying, placing my sisters hand on my head and swaying around crying saying she pulled my hair was just a couple to name. She still managed to get away with hiding me in draw under the bed for 6 hours. So, when I was 5 I thought I’d had a genius idea. My sister used to write her name very distinctively. Holly with a long y. So when I was 5, I decided to scrape her name in the banister to make it seem she’d graffiti-ed (Using a long Y).
Later that day I heard my mum shout my sisters name..this was it. I waited at the top of the stairs trying to listen to what i thought was sweet revenge. After trying to listen in, Holly stormed past and slammed the door. I did it. She got a taste of her own medicine.
Or so I thought. Over 10 years later I found out that mum had known it was me and pretended to tell my sister off because she was impressed that her 5 year old could think of such a plan. It was their inside joke FOR YEARS.
No matter whether you're good behaviour or kindness is noticed, it is important to remember why kindness is important in the first place. There will be times in life others are praised for your hard work or you feel yours is not being recognised. Never let this change you. Take this as fuel to strengthen your faith and recognise your own accomplishments. As well as motivation to work harder at your craft. Be okay with others perception. God knows and acknowledges everything and that's what matters. You cant heal your heart by trying to convert or corrupt it.
“27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”
By far the hardest and embarrassing confession to post online of them all...
It started with a sexist boss and a coffee.
Every other day I was able to see his good shine past the sexist and racist comments. As well as his feet on desk whilst were over-filling with phone calls, sexist comments about my behind, lunch restricting attitude, unpaid overtime. But not this time, many many years ago.
I had the worst undeniable flu, deep loud cough, sweating fever, Uncontrollable nausea ... He wouldn’t allow me time off and belittled how poorly I was using my gender. These are the woman holding his business together whilst he played games on his phone.
Now please don't judge me for what I’m about to tell you. This out of character bold move was by far my lowest moral moment. And trust me I regretted it. The worst part of this confession is I sat there all day looking at the angles of the security cameras, planning. WHY I DONE THIS I DON'T KNOW. HOW I GOT TO THIS POINT I DO NOT KNOW!
It was coming up to his hourly coffee demand. I made his coffee exactly how he liked it. Walked to my pre planned location (hidden from any cameras)… toke a deep inhale then “EHHHHHHH” breathed all over it with my crackled wheeze then very doubtfully handed him his coffee. The whole day I felt the walls closing in anxiety. I was freaking out keeping an eye out for any sign of a sweat, sniffle or cough from him. Revenge is a big no no in my heart and even though this was pre Jesus Elsie, I was PRAAYIINGGG. Thank the lord he didn't get ill.
Its okay to recognise if you are in a unhealthy situation that restricts your growth in a positive way, we need to. You recognise time may help another change positively, so you invest it for others. But we can forget that we can also be changing in the process. Sometimes we invest so much time into things to help another that may not appreciate it.
Anyone can do something they thought they wouldn't. I realised people have different opinions and beliefs in life. Being so focused on this can unexpectedly change your own. If you find it important not to judge, we must try not to judge someone that does. We are all on our own journey.